Heads Are Gonna Roll

I was on a tour bus today at 6:30 AM surrounded by twenty people deeply regretting having booked a morning tour, when our Thai tour guide told us the story of a Thai King and his family of six, who all died of diarrhea. I said, "That's a shitty way to go," and that's the story of how my one woman comedy show went international.

Hitting the sheets at midnight and waking up at five am is becoming a way of life. By six-thirty am we had coaxed our tour bus into Thai iced tea and cinnamon rolls. Maybe it's the sugar, not my circadian rhythm, keeping me awake? Our tour bus was the stuff dreams are made of--if you're nineteen and dreaming in 1992. Lime green with disco lights and polyester curtains. 

Sixty-nine million people live in Thailand, with over eight million living in the capital city of Bangkok. Phra Nakhon is one of seventy-six provinces and home to the Ayutthaya Ruins. An hour outside of the city we found our first stop, Pa-In Palace, better known as the Summer Palace. The Palace was used for some time as a summer residence to historic Thai Kings, and is still frequented by the Royal family. Largely the Palace is a vast garden surrounded with animal topiary, enormous coy fish, and Chinese influenced architecture. 

Our next stop, and the highlight of the tour, was the Ayutthaya Historical Park. Ayutthaya was formerly the capital of Thailand, prior to being overtaken by the Burmese. Heads literally rolled as Hindu and Buddist rulers came to rule Ayutthaya. When a Hindu was ruling, Buddha's head was lobbed off and chucked to the side--not an easy feat with stone. Vishnu's head served as the replacement, and so it went until its destruction in 1767. 

At Wat Mahamat we found Ayutthaya's most iconic image--Buddha's head engulfed in the roots of a banyon tree--having likely been chopped off and left to Mother Nature to preserve or destroy. A massive statue of Buddha sits atop a sacred mound surrounded by other temples largely intact. In 1991, Ayutthaya became a World Herritage Site. 

A little further down the road, we met a monk who blessed us with holy water (or a holy shower for those of us in the front row). The women received a white string tied around their left wrist signaling a blessing for hope, luck, and protection. The men were screwed. Kidding! They received the same blessing with a string tied on their right wrist. 

At Wot Lokayasutharam, we came across Thailand's fourth largest reclining Buddha.

From there we boarded a boat and set sail down the Chao Phraya River. 

Back at the hotel, I collapsed into the pool, making friends as I dove in. 

Unless you're God, as the sign says, you have to remove your shoes for dinner. I don't look good in beard and a robe, so I've gotten accustomed to removing them. We found a bustling Thai restaurant that served us prawns, catfish, curry, and tom yum.

Filled with spices and the underwater cast from the Little Mermaid, we made our way to Khao San Road. Khao San is the warm climate equivalent of Vegas, Times Square, Fear Factor, and a massage parlor all rolled into one. The locals hate it, the wanna be locals claim to hate it in order to fit in, and the Western tourists flock to it. Regardless, a trip to Thailand wouldn't be complete without witnessing it. You wouldn't go to New York and not see Times Square and I didn't plan to miss Khao San. 

If you were doing a scavenger hunt on Khao san road, it would look something like this: find a.) Scorpions, Maggots, Centipedes, and Spiders for your consumption (pictures are 10 BHT) b.) A guy selling laughing gas c.) Nickelback playing on repeat at a bar d.) An outdoor massage parlor e.) A girl throwing up f.) A guy who thinks he can dance g.) A guy with no shoes on h.) Buckets of beer for less than $4 i.) Enough Adidas apparel to clothe the entire state of Texas.

Ever have that strange feeling that you're going to eat a scorpion before your vacation is over? Remember that scene from the dystopian movie, The Beach, where Leonardo Dicaprio drinks snake's blood?

The number one thing I heard repeatedly before coming to Thailand was to get a massage--every single day. Tonight we got a foot massage on, you guessed it, Khao San Road. Outdoors, with music blaring and 81 degrees. It was bliss and at $4 for 30 minutes, it's sure to become a two week addiction. 

It's 12:07 am Sunday morning and my alarm is set for 5:45 am. Onto the next adventure.